roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
