Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
