Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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