I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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