hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
