take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
