Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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