tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
