sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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