Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
