The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
