My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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