Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
