I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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