You just made me feel so damn special
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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