just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
