I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
