I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
