I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
