At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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