He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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