so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
