On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My vagina is officially offended.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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