you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
