went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
