Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
