return my video game
my phone needs a breathalizer
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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