'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
