Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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