eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
