If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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