oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
