I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
