You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
