Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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