I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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