I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
