some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
