I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
