guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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