god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
