Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
