Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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