Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize