This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize