life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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