3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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