Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
