So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
This toilet bowl is my home.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
