we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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