i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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