I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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