My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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