I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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