My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize