I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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