two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love you. Go after that dick
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
