i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
