It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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