So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
