Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Couch. On fire.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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