I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
