sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
