I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
