Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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