why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
