my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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