My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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