Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
